His and Her Health

Hello forum members,this is my first post ever here and also the first time I've ever spoke about this to anyone,I am a 40 year old male who has had no intimate contact for the last 23 years,I can't really explain why except that up until 1990 I had normal sexual relationships with women.
I will say this,even before 1990 my sex life was disatisfactory at best,I have never actually got to enjoy having intercourse,I have never felt physically loved by anyone,every women(which was only 3 in my life)that I have ever been with I felt were only going thru the motions with me because they felt obligated to,not because they where attracted to me in that way.
To make matters much worse around that time in the early 90's I lost my hair.....all of it pretty much,I wasn't ever much to notice to begin with but since that time no woman has ever looked at me twice,they do not speak to me or approach me,I feel they avoid me at all cost,I used to have girlfriends so I can't believe I am that ugly but time has proven that well just maybe I am ugly and worthless to women.
Having spent the last 23 years with absolutley no intimacy,rarely have I even masterbated,perhaps a few times per year to allieviated testicle pain that had built up because of having uncontrollable erections,it has been a hell I wish not even upon my worst enemy.
I feel that I don't belong in the world anymore,I'm ashamed,bitterly disapointed in myself,at times I hate myself for existing,there is so much more I cannot even express in words but it has caused me to be severley mentally ill,I'm a paranoid wreck,I always feel people are staring at me because I am so hidious and akward,I see the look in womens eyes of disapproval and the dreaded Eeewwwwww,I am so beaten down and so tired,I feel I'm going to have a heart attack from stress,I now avoid public places and any confrentation if at all possible,I can no longer work and make a living for myself,I had to move back into my mothers house and this is where I will die,darkness is consuming me,the world that was once so normal now seems like a story book fairy tale that I actually lived in.
Because of the intense stress and rejection I became a heroin addict to kill all thought of it,it worked for a few years but resurfaced again even stronger than it was before,this is what having no intimacy has done to this man,a life ruined for the lack of touch,for the lack of kindness,I'm cursed for sure,if anyone out there is in the early enough stages of this type of problem PLEASE do somthing about it before it consumes you,don't shrug it off and try to be strong because it will beat you and destroy your mind and your body and your self esteem.

Tony72, I am glad you found our forum so you could tell your story to someone.Have you ever considered seeing a psychiatrist about your feelings and apparent low self-esteem. It may give you a way to get back into a healthy way of thinking about your life. It is not to late to help yourself .It is worth a try.

well I had seen a psychiatrist for a while after having a break with reality and ending up in the mental hospital for a few weeks over this problem but everything I told him was not really the truth because I couldn't bring myself to talk about it face to face with anyone,it's different in a forum online for obvious reasons,I really don't have the nerve to actually tell a doctor this,I wish I did but I don't,one of my greatest fears is that someone actually knew all this,I feel so powerless,I've read other mens stories similar to mine online and people had various responses like "why not just get a prostitute" or "maybe your gay" which I am certainly not nor has the thought ever entered my mind,just as ridiculous is the idea of paying a woman for sex,first off it would be impossible for me as I don't feel worthy of woman even if she was paid to have sex nor could I take such chances with std's.
Thankyou moderator for taking the time to respond to my post,it dos bring some comfort that someone understands because even I don't understand all this,it's as if some one or somthing else is at the helm,I don't understand or comprehend how this problem can be fixed?,for the last few years I have given serious thought about dying,never have I entertained such an idea before,if only I could just feel love and intimacy for one time in my life I would be happy,its so crazy,what is a common occurrence for 99% of the world is a life threatening situation for me,I've been good at hiding for a long time but here in the last few years I've started cracking,I know my freinds and family see it but I really don't think they know why and even if they did there's no way they would say anything because of the nature of the problem,they just think I'm losing it,I was a promising artist at one time but now I have abandoned everything I once held dear all for the lack of simple intimacy,my spirit is crushed,it's over.

Tony, I don't know what your state of mental illness is now but if you are able to be out in the public and shop or see dentists ,barbers,etc. then it might be you could volunteer to work at a food bank or help at a senior's center. In other words put yourself out there where you come in contact with people. Maybe a visit to a church would give you the feeling that people can care about you and not judge you by how you think you look but by the artistic person you are inside. Think about seeing a psychiatrist again and speak from your heart the true feelings you have.
Good luck