His and Her Health

I'm getting to my wits end on this. I've been with my wife for 13 years, married the last 6 of those. Although she never seemed to really enjoy giving me oral sex, she would do it often enough to keep me from asking for it, maybe once every 3 months or so. This December 25 will mark 4 years since the last time she gave me oral sex. And it's gotten to be a real issue in our marriage. When I ask her for it, I either get silence or a very curt answer like, "Nah, not gonna happen." When I ask her why, she never answers.

I've mentioned counseling, but she sees no issue since in her mind there's no problem. We have sex either on Saturday or Sunday in the morning for about 15 to 20 minutes…averaging about 3 or 4 times a month, which is another problem. She says that she doesn't think about or crave sex and when we talk about it before doing it, she says things like, "okay...what do you want?" The last really bad argument we had over this, she said, "you're just pouting because I won't service you more often." There’s no open discussion about it. I could live with the once a week thing a little better if she could open her mind about things like oral. My feeling is that this will never change and I either have to live frustrated or make a dramatic change with our marriage, which I don’t want to do.

It sounds like a relationship issue, maybe a control issue. For what reason, only you and/or she could know. You might want to try some relationship counseling if for no other reason than to get it out in the open so you can address it and try to resolve it. Until you know what the underlying issue is, you can't make an attempt to resolve it.

Give her some time. She will get past this only when she is ready. Don't ruin what you have. Just maybe she is not wanting to have sex with you as much as she knows what you want and she is not ready for it and is afraid of disappointing you. Oral sex is such an emotional thing with a woman. Can not force her. She must be ready to want you and willing to give of herself heart and soul for this to happen.

Accept her for what she is and love her. You will gain so much more in the end. A woman finds true intimacy so difficult and you are asking of her something that she is just not ready to handle yet. Be prepared for this to never happen and be happy if it does. She knows in her heart that she is not fulfilling you but life is too short to lose the beautiful closeness that you share.

<small>[ 01-19-2006, 10:28 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

It is far deeper than a relationship issue. It is a mind issue. It is an intimacy issue. You can not force it. It must be the tenderness and love that makes her accept you.
I would just never expect it to happen and be happy if it does. Could make her so much more relaxed with you in the bedroom and want for a lot more sex.

<small>[ 01-19-2006, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Moderator ]</small>

I agree, and that is why the fact that it has "become a real issue" in the marriage leads me to believe there it's not about the oral sex so much as it is about him asking her to do it and her refusing. There's something else going on between them that's let it become a "real issue". She might not want to "give" it to him because she is feeling less than generous, for what reason we can't know without getting inside both their heads.

Whatever the reason, they clearly aren't communicating with each other. Communication is always key.

I appreciate all the replies. But, my wife use to be as sexually active as any woman I ever met. It was one of the reasons we stayed together once we started dating. She had been very open about her sexuality as she was a practicing bi-sexual when we met. We are both very liberal. And to those of you who cite a lack of communication, I can only say, it's not from a lack of trying. One window into this is this; several years ago, my wife said she would never ever get down on her knees to give a man oral sex because it was such a subservient posture for the woman. One can probably read a lot into that statement. At the time I shrugged it off. She is also over-weight, over-worked and over-stressed. All which, no doubt, contribute to our problems now. The kind lady above says just wait and let her come to the realization...that's a wonderful sentiment...it is, in fact the one I practice for the most part. I'm not pestering her daily or even weekly about the fact that our sex life is pretty much dead in the water. But my silence and my anger still tell her. At some point the spouse has to make an attempt to meet the other half way or at least allow a dialog to take place. I could only imagine if I stopped the hair playing and shoulder rubs and silently listening as she vents after work. Marriage is a definite 2 way street and mine currently feels like a one way.

TO D LEE.....i know what you are talking about probably better than i would really like to admit.i love the oral to and the wife does not like to give it,but what can i do.i love her way to much to let that be a contributing factor in the way i feel about her.my wife also loves the petting and the body rubs etc.and i wonder if she realizes that it is a two way street at times.and it has been really hard coming to terms with,and it is only within the last six months or so that it struck me like a bolt of lightning.sometimes you have to let it go. i know personnally that getting what you want is not always the best thing.it would be nice but that is how it goes.i had to make myself realize that i love my wife....not what she does for me.one thing that helped me was dwelling on the things that she does that make my life what it is instead of the things i think she should be doing.trust me your post hit home for me....i am in the same situation....and it @#$@!!%& sucks,but i find a greater need for her love and friendship than i do anything else in this life.granted it took me years to figure this out and it is still a rough pill to swallow alot of the time.sometimes as humans i believe we become overly selfish...and i am not saying you are,but i was.if she does not like it what can you do.i started to look at it like this ....if her thing was to use a big toy on you how often would you let her do it.

I'm not gonna touch that last part...but thanks...you sound like the first responder who actually understands from my viewpoint. The reason this is so difficult is because I do love her and our family and would never do anything to damage it...i just feel like she is in a comfort zone because she does trust me and doesn't feel like she has to make any effort outside of her own comfort zone...i guess I feel taken for granted a bit, but your point is well taken and I sincerely appreciate your words.

I'm actually in the same position. I would dearly love to receive oral sex and I'm more than happy to give it, but my husband doesn't like it - in either direction. It saddens me to think of going the rest of my life without it and I've struggled with it, but in the end it's not worth ending a marriage over! We don't get everything we want. We all have to make choices.

The question you need an answer to is, does she just not like giving oral, or are there bigger problems that this may be a symptom of. If everything else is ok, maybe she'd, um, swallow her discomfort and do it every now and then as a favor to you (a birthday present?). Unfortunately, it sounds like there may be other issues.

D Lee...dang man,your last post was as though you pulled your words right out of my head.i did not mean to sound like i knew it all or that i had the right answer,it is the only way i have learned to deal with it.it is a really difficult thing to have to burden.just the other night i was stroking my wifes head as we were laying in bed(she loves to be put to sleep this way)and i was thinking why does this not go both ways and it really got to me.i wish there was a good explanation.............

my sentiments exactly eva_m....my wife is just like your husband...does not like to give or receive this pleasure, and i still strugle every day.to be quite honest,it is very discomforting.

If there are bigger problems, I'm not having any luck extracting them from her. Frankly, our marriage, to me anyway, is good. For me, the issue is purely physical...which sounds shallow maybe, but I miss the spontaneity. And knowing that certain things are totally off the table in her mind, reduces the attraction for me. If there is something else happening here, it's nothing she has ever articulated. And believe me, I ask. Oh, by the way, my wife loves receiving oral. Thanks again for all the thoughtful replies.

How about this... you said she has issues about being submissive or subservient. Maybe she is making sure, subconciously or consciously, that you remain in the submissive role in the marriage, so there is no danger of her ending up in that role. It sounds like she has you where she wants you. Every relationship is different, and every couple has their own comfort zone, so there is nothing wrong with this. But if she chooses to see oral sex as a submissive act, then you're not going to have much luck. It's funny, because some people call themselves liberal or feminists, but they end up living a life that is the total opposite. Liberals are supposedly broad-minded. Feminists are supposedly for freedom of choice. But they often wind up following a very narrowly defined, conservative path in life.

Conner. Something in that rings very true. Ever since she landed her first "real" job with "real" responsibility, she has definitely become conservative in many ways, even though she considers herself liberal and open-minded. Very good, sir. Not sure it helps my plight, but thanks.