His and Her Health

After sixteen years of marriage and two children, only in the last six weeks has my wife opened up to actually talk with me about anything except everyday stuff. Should you be curious about what prevented communication and what I did to make it happen, there's another thread about that.

The talking has been going well. I always wanted it and now it's going feel I have no choice but to try to know her mind on everything under the sun, else risk being blindsided again.

Better yet, all this sharing has helped create intimacy, and as a by-product we've been having a lot more sex. That's good, and I've been wanting to make it even better by asking my wife what she really truly likes best in bed, as up until recently it's all been straight vanilla missionary.

To get to the point, in my humble quest for knowledge, I asked my wife how many partners she had before marriage, and who was her first. The answers to both were ... quite a surprise. I am trying to take it on the chin here but quite honestly I am having a bit of difficulty with the answers.

As for number of partners: fifty. And two threesomes.

My reaction to that? Well partly to damn myself for a fool for asking. But mostly kind of, oh ****. Of course I knew she'd had relationships - we married at 32 - but I had somehow assumed that hers were somehow like my relatively mere eight (which bar two were serial serious relationships). Well, she was young and attractive and getting hit on, and it was before I knew her, so it would be ridiculous to feel hard done by. But it does rather bother me that our histories are so different.

I realize, the surprise is entirely my fault for not having asked before we were married, or for asking at all without being better prepared for the answer. I'm also thinking, at least I should have asked for her number first then, I don't know, tripled my number or just winked mysteriously at her when it was my turn to fess up. What a dope.

But the more I think about this, the less it bothers me: she was young and hot. Considering her basket of other emotional issues, I even suppose a period of promiscuity should not surprise. I responded "Gee, that's ...quite a lot. But thank you for being honest with me." and we had sex again. So, I am telling myself, get over it.

The answer to the other question bothers me much, much more. Turns out her first was the guy who introduced us, - we have met regularly socially throughout our marriage, and he is now married himself. Now, I knew that he was a former boyfriend. But I also remember asking way back, feeling a bit uncomfortable for some reason around him, asking whether he was her first, and she said no. Turns out he is. Now he is a fine fellow, I owe him for the introduction, and he lives far away. But we recently met up and formed vague plans to go, as two married couples, on vacation together. Can't see that happening, the way I'm feeling now.

I really don't want to beat her up about it, especially as what I want to do is get her to talk to me honestly about stuff, and she is doing it. But I mind about the lie, feel a loss of intimacy and want to make it clear to her, that it is the lie that bothers me rather than anything else. She says, she just did not want to cause upset and appears to regard it as no big deal.

Any advice people? To help me process this stuff and also make my point.

I understand the reaction of women to this issue is different - so what do you think ladies?

BTW I think I need to lighten up so feel free, make some fun also, I feel like a prize idiot here.

If you don't like the answer, you should not have asked the question. Your past is history and you can't change it.If you are uncomfortable being in the company of a former boyfriend of your wife then you should discuss it with her and try to figure out why this old relationship is or is not important to her.