His and Her Health

Thanks in advance for any comments and advice you might have. I didn't see a topic describing this precise situation, so I started a new one.

Here's the situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We've lived together for quite a while now too. She's a very smart, beautiful girl with her head on straight. For the first few months we were together, the sex was amazing. However we did have a little trouble because I was a little too big for her, I had to take it easy sometimes to avoid causing her pain.

Then trouble came. It turned out that she had HSV-1, though we are unsure if it came from me or from her. In any event, the symptoms were mild and vanished with treatment with no recurrences thus far. After that, she didn't want to have sex very often... which I completely understood! I mean it scared me a little too. Months went by, and sex became less frequent... she couldn't even get wet anymore. She used to love having me perform oral on her (she begged for it), but didn't even want that anymore. Eventually, sex became so infrequent that we haven't done anything sexual in 4 months. She said stress, the HSV incident and the pain all came together to completely kill her sex drive.

Now, I love this girl and wanted to work this out.. I talked with her about it from time to time, but it was to no avail. It just made her feel bad, reducing her to tears sometimes, that she couldn't satisfy my needs. So I hesitate to bring it up anymore; I don't want to hurt her. She says she tries things sometimes, but can't even arouse herself anymore. I tried everything, giving her massages, taking her out to nice restaurants and taking her out to have fun to hopefully get rid of the stress... without any pressure for sex. Note that I'm not just doing these things to get in her pants either, though I definitely want that. This really concerns me; there's something wrong here and I want to help her through it.

At this point though, I'm starting to lose my mind. I have a beautiful woman I love cuddling up with me every night and I can't have sex with her. Ever. It's a form of torture I can't really describe. I find my mind wandering and questioning her trustworthiness, and I know I shouldn't... The rest of the intimacy is still there... she's always cuddling, touching, kissing, etc... which almost makes it more unbearable.

I've dated a lot of women over the years, and this is the first one I ever thought of marrying.. but I can't take the jump until we overcome this. The thought of celibacy for the rest of my life is so unpalatable I think I'd rather starve to death, despite how selfish I might be for thinking this way. Worse, she knows this is what's holding us back.

Things I can rule out:

1. I'm not too small. (not bragging, just stating a fact).

2. She used to orgasm. She can't even get wet now. So it's not technique. I'm taking her word on this though.

3. It's not the pill. She's been on it since we met and is still on the same one... something else caused this.

4. The HSV itself (though perhaps it caused a psychological problem). It hasn't recurred at all, for either of us. It's the mild HSV-1 form anyhow.

What can we do to fix this? I know there are some supposed pills and supplaments, like Provestra, but I tend to distrust things like that. Maybe counseling? But how effective are shrinks? Or is there something else I'm totally overlooking?

Has your girlfriend been to see her Gyn to rule out any physical reason for low desire. Sometimes when there has been pain during intercourse the woman is very hesitant to try again.Ask her to see her Gyn and talk to the doctor about the lack of desire and the pain she has had.

For more information please visit our website at www.ourgyn.com

Hi,
It sounds like you are very caring boyfriend and I hope things work out for both of you. She should see her doctor to rule out physical causes of low libido ex. problems with thyroid. Even though she has been taking the same pill for a long time, it does not mean that the pill does not affect her libido. The affect of the pill might have changed on her body over a long period of time. If she is taking any other medications, it can also affect her sex drive. After she sees the doctor and still no improvement, she might want to read some books such as For Yourself and For Each Other by Lonnie Barbach. Then there are some herbal supplements such as ArginMax which you could research. I am not a doctor but I have read a lot about this because so many women have a similar issue and this topic has been extensively researched. Good luck.

Sex therapists can be very helpful in situations like these. it could also be a hormonal issue.....the pill tends to change the hormone levels in a lot of women...causing decreased libido and arousal. The pill can also result in decreased estrogen, which can cause decreased pliability of the vaginal tissues, and subsequently pain with intercourse. You have to rule out each factor one-by-one, so I suggest starting with the hormonal factor, which most gynecologists can assess, and also, seeking out a sex therapist.

ask an expert to seek the help. It's normal for the amount of sex bewteen couples to slow down over time, but you two have been back together only a short time, and instead of having a slower, healthier sex life, your's is all but non-existant.

I’d like to add to these excellent responses you've already received, as I’m a sex therapist. There actually is a lot that a sex therapist can potentially help you with. First I’m wondering if your girlfriend should be evaluated for depression. Perhaps the HSV-1 diagnosis was so upsetting to her that it prompted a mood disorder. I have worked with other women who were traumatized by a STD diagnosis. If this is the case, your girlfriend may benefit from some trauma work with a therapist. For example, I sometimes use EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) with my patients. Then, if she is willing, sensate focus may be a gentle, non-threatening way for the two of you to start connecting sexually again. You can learn more about sensate focus by searching for it on the internet, and your sex therapist can help guide you through the process. Finally, there are rings you can put on the base of your penis so that you cannot enter her as deeply when you make love. This may help her feel more comfortable with your size. A reputable sex toy website such as touchofawoman.com should be able to help you with that. Finally, make sure you tell her how much the physical contact that you are having means to you. Reinforce the touching, cuddling, and kissing that she is still doing .

hey. I can't wait to be a part of this community

merry xmas to all!

And a Merry Christmas to you. Glad to have you aboard.