His and Her Health

Hi there,

I'm going to post this in both the "for Men About Women" and the "For Women about Women" boards to see if I can't gather some different perspectives. If this is a bit no-no, please let me know, or the moderator can delete one of them.

This is going to be very long as there are a lot of issues to parse out, so bear with me. I am 25 years old, my mate is 22. We have no children together. We have been dating for over 4 years.

The problem: She has a low sex drive and would be quite happy to never have sex (other than the relationship problems it is causing). Mine is substantially higher (though not abnormal - even once or twice a week would be acceptable)

A brief sexual history: She was a virgin in the intercourse sense when we first started dating, but had some sexual history with previous boyfriends. We first had sex a couple of months after we started dating. For the first while it was fairly regular and often instigated by her. She did, however, have some negative body-image issues and that sometimes interfered. Over the next year or so she did put on some weight (perhaps up to 160lbs @ 5'4") - nothing drastic but her self-esteem plummeted. Growing up in a family with stick thin sisters is always hard on the self body image, I suppose. We stopped having sex altogether as she began having moderate to severe vaginal pain that was variously diagnosed as everything from cysts to bladder infections. This lasted for about a year. The pain occasionally returns but it is rare and less severe.

She did subsequently lose weight and we resumed sex. However, her desire for sex does remain low. She still has her body image issues (how many females love their stomachs, or arms, or legs, or... etc.) but her self esteem is the highest it has ever been, and she has gone from a pretty girl to a seriously drop-dead gorgeous knockout.

Sex, however, remains rare. For the last two years I think she has instigated it maybe 4 times, and often in response to a discussion about the lack of sex, not necessarily out of her personal desire. I can initiate it sometimes late at night by licking her nipples in her sleep, for example, but (despite her assurances that she prefers sex to start this way) it definitely makes me feel like a bit of a creep.

She does seem to enjoy sex itself once it actually begins, and there aren't any physical issues like lack of lubrication or anything. She has never had an orgasm, but something bizarre does happen during oral sex - things get very intensely sensitive for her and she sometimes has like, a whole body shake that can persist for several seconds. She describes it as more painful than pleasureable.

I should also note that pleasure is rarely reciprocated – only through sex do I reach orgasm. She has issues with oral on me which I understand and respect, but often after I go down on her and she has had enough, it is time for bed and I am left unfulfilled.

My question: I hate bringing this up with her because she feels guilty about it, and says it is often on her mind because it is one area that she knows is a big issue for me. I love her to death and tell her how beautiful and sexy she is every day I see her, but that alone doesn't seem to be enough. So is there any solution to this problem?